Macbeth: What Really Happened
by jwhaler82
Summary: WARNING: This is a followup to the fanfic, Romeo and Juliet: What Really Happened.
1. Prologue

Maybe you remember a little spoof fic called Romeo and Juliet: What Really Happened. I loved that fic. I loved it so much that I am writing my own spoof based on my favorite Shakespeare play, Macbeth. I'd like to give a shout-out to the Almighty Ruler of Dragons, and I hope you all enjoy Macbeth: What Really Happened.

* * *

**Prologue**

**Act 1**

**Scene 1**: Somewhere in Ireland, er, Scotland. Thunder and lightning, and a battle rages.

[_Shakespeare sits offstage holding a bottle of aspirin in one hand and a bottle of Jack Daniels in the other. He looks very nervous._]

**Shakespeare:** And now…on with the show.

* * *

[_The witches enter. Center stage: Susan, a classically trained, stage actress enters. Stage left: Greta, a Goth girl, black hair, black make-up and black clothes, (she definitely looks like a witch) enters. Stage right: Lacey, a ditzy, blonde teenager, in a cheerleading outfit, (she looks nothing like a witch) enters._]

[_The audience is confused by Lacey's outfit. Shakespeare takes a swig of Jack Daniels._]

**Lacey:** [_Blushing_] Sorry, I just came from the big game, and I didn't have time to change.

[_Greta's jaw drops. She can't believe a high school cheerleader was cast as a witch._]

**Greta:** How did that happen?

[_After the moment of shock, Susan clears her throat and begins._]

* * *

**Susan:** When shall we meet again sisters? In thunder, lightning or in rain?

[_Lacey flips out her cell phone and checks her day planner._]

**Lacey:** How 'bout next Monday. I'm free all day. And how 'bout when it's sunny outside?

[_Shakespeare takes a another swig of Jack Daniels._]

**Greta:** [_balling her fist_] Stick to the script, blondie!

[_She turns back to the audience._]

**Greta:** We shall meet when the hurly-burly's done. When the battle's lost and won.

**Lacey:** [_having a hard time reading the script_] That will…that will be…err the set of suns? Who wrote this?

[_Shakespeare takes another drink of Jack Daniels._]

**Shakespeare:** Lord, give me strength.

**Greta:** Don't embarrass me, flake! This is my favorite Shakespeare play!

[_Susan stares at them both. They calm down, and she continues._]

**Susan:** And where the place?

**Greta:** Upon the heath.

**Lacey:** And we'll like totally meet Macbeth there.

**Susan:** [_chuckles_] Indeed. I come, Graymalkin!

**Greta:** Paddock calls.

[_Lacey whips out her pom-poms and begins cheering._]

**Lacey:** Fair is foul, and foul is fair. Hover through the fog and air.

[_Lacey does a split and there's a sudden burst of smoke. When the smoke clears, Susan and Greta have exited. Lacey is still out on the stage._]

**Susan:** [_discretely_] Lacey!

[_She motions for Lacey to exit._]

**Lacey:** [_Getting up_] Go Pirates!

[_She exits._]

* * *

[_A young jock in the audience, Lacey's boyfriend Steve, stands up._]

**Steve:** That's my girl!

[_Audience applauds._]

[_Shakespeare takes some aspirin._]

**Shakespeare:** [_sighs_] This is gonna be a long night.

* * *

What did you think? Please read and review.


	2. Act 1

Okay, I'm back. Sorry this took so long, but I've been busy. There's been Christmas, New Years', and a lot of other stuff. Also, I've had to skim the book, just to make sure I'm getting the story right. But I'm just glad to finally have the first act done. I hope you enjoy it.

* * *

**Act 1**

**Scene 2**: Morning breaks over the bloody battlefield.

[_Malcolm and Donalbain enter, both carrying lightsabers. Lennox enters with them._]

**Shakespeare:** Star Wars. Why is it always freaking Star Wars? Do I look like bloody George Lucas?

**Malcolm:** That was sweet! You' the man!

**Donalbain:** Me? Dude, I'm not the one who held off 23 battle droids while saving my wounded comrade.

**Lennox:** You've done well, my young padawans. But be mindful of your feelings. A little ego can turn into arrogance, and that can lead to the dark side of the force.

[_Malcolm and Donalbain nod.]_

**Donalbain:** But you have to admit, what Malcolm did back there was really cool.

**Lennox:** [_smiling_] Indeed, it was.

[_Lennox turns to something at stage left._]

Now, excuse me, boys. The king approaches.

[_Malcolm and Donalbain exit. King Duncan enters with attendants._]

**Duncan:** [_acting very high maintenance_] Good heavens! What happened here? Was there a hurricane last night?

**Lennox:** Your Majesty?

**Duncan:** [_turning to Lennox_] Lennox, my good friend, what happened? Was there a battle last night?

**Lennox:** Actually, there was. Come, I need you to see someone.

**Duncan:** It's not another one of your weird family members, is it?

**Lennox:** No, it's…wait, what's wrong with my family?

**Duncan:** Oh, nothing!

[_turning to 1st attendant_] Shade, please!

[_1st attendant pulls out an umbrella to shade Duncan._]

[_turning to 2nd attendant_] Popcorn!

[_2nd attendant hands Duncan box of popcorn with extra butter and salt._]

**Duncan:** [_stuffing his mouth with popcorn_] Let's go talk to your friend.

**Lennox:** [_rolling his eyes_] Aye, sir.

[_At stage right, a badly, wounded man enters._]

**Duncan:** Eeeww! What happened to this loser?

**Lennox:** [_annoyed_] This is one of my captains, and my friend.

**Duncan:** Oh, forget that 'loser' crack.

**Lennox:** He will tell you what happened last night.

**Captain:** [_talking like priest from Princess Bride_] My low'd!

**Duncan:** [_staring nervously at the Captain_] Why can't you just tell me, Lennox?

**Lennox:** It's in the script, sir.

[_Duncan sighs, then turns back to the Captain._]

**Duncan:** Alright, go ahead.

**Captain:** It wath' a mighty battle! We wew'e attacked by Now'way from the now'th. We wew'e pw'epaw'ed to w'eth'ith't him, but then, the w'ebelliouth' Low'd Macdonwald attacked with hith' dw'oid aw'my. We then leaw'ned that they wew'e both ath'ith'ted by the tw'aitow'outh' Thane of Cawdor. It th'eemed all wath' loth't, until the bw'ave Macbeth and Banquo came to ouw' w'eth'cue. They fought like two lionth', fiew'th'ely and couw'ageouth'ly. They killed Macdonwald in battle, and fow'th'ed Now'way to th'uw'endew'. Oh, it wath' a gw'eat battle! Th'o then-,"

**Duncan:** Bottom line, did we win?

**Captain:** [_nodding_] Yeth', my low'd.

**Duncan:** Good.

[_turning to Lennox_] Get him cleaned up.

**Captain:** [_bowing, gratefully_] Thank you, my low'd!

[_Captain is carried offstage for treatment._]

**Shakespeare:** Note to self: raise the bar on casting requirements.

**Duncan:** Has the Thane of Cawdor been dealt with?

**Lennox:** Yes, sir. He's been arrested by my friends, Ross and Angus.

[_Ross and Angus enter._]

**Angus:** I love the smell of napalm in the morning!

**Ross:** Wrong story. This is Shakespeare.

**Angus:** Oh, uh…To be or not to be, that is the question. Whether it is nobler…

**Ross:** Again, wrong story. Just let me do all the talking.

**Duncan:** Ah, Ross and Angus. I heard about your capture of the traitorous Thane of Cawdor. Where is he?

**Ross:** He's locked up backstage, and waiting for his trial.

**Duncan:** Hang him.

**Ross:** But sir, without a trial?

**Duncan:** I'm the king! Whatever I say must be done!

**Ross:** [_rolling his eyes_] Aye, sir. But a new Thane of Cawdor must be appointed.

**Duncan:** Very well. Let's go to the Big Wheel.

[_A large wheel, similar to Wheel of Fortune, appears on stage. All the nobles names are on it._]

Lennox, will you do the honors?

**Lennox:** [_sighs_] Sure.

[_Lennox spins the Big Wheel. It spins and stops on Macbeth. There are lights and whistles._]

**Duncan:** Ah, yes. Macbeth. A fine choice. Ross, Angus, go find Macbeth and tell him he's been promoted to Thane of Cawdor. In fact, invite him and Banquo to a banquet at the castle. We'll give him the new title there.

**Ross:** Aye, sir. [_Ross exits._]

**Angus:** Your majesty, give me a call sometime and we'll go deer hunting together. [_He high-fives the king and exits._]

**Duncan:** And now, if you'll excuse me, I have a manicure at ten.

[_Duncan, Lennox and attendants exit._]

* * *

**Scene 3**: Thunder. Out on the heath, the witches enter.

**Susan:** [_to Lacey_] Where hast thou been, sister?

**Lacey:** Well, first, I went and got a cup of coffee at Starbucks. Then, I did some shopping over at the galleria. I found two new dresses and the cutest pair of heels. Then, I got a manicure, met my mom for lunch and came back here just in time for the show.

**Susan:** Uh-huh. [_to Greta_] And where hast thou been?

**Greta:** Killing swine.

[_Lacey grimaces in disgust._]

**Lacey:** Geez, no wonder you don't have a boyfriend.

[_Greta's eyes narrow, her fists ball in rage, and her face turns red._]

**Greta:** That's it! [_She lunges at Lacey. The two go down on the floor, kicking, screaming, clawing and swinging. Backstage, Shakespeare beats his head against the wall. After a few minutes, Susan intervenes, angrily._]

**Susan:** **SHUT UP!** [_thunder claps_] Both of you! [_She stands them up and pulls them apart._]

**Lacey:** She started it.

**Susan:** I don't care who started it! I'm ending it right now! [_She points to her left._] Lacey. You. Right here. Now. [_Lacey steps into place._] Greta. Right here. [_Greta steps to Susan's right._]

**Susan:** [_looking at both_] And never the two shall meet! Now, one more outburst like that, and I will end this play right now, is that understood?

[_Both Lacey and Greta nod in fear._]

**Susan:** Good! Let's continue.

**Shakespeare:** [_grateful, muttering to himself_] Thank you.

[_Macbeth and Banquo enter._]

**Macbeth:** How 'bout this weather?

**Banquo:** I know, they keep calling for sunshine, but it's been raining for almost a week.

**Macbeth:** Well, when was the last time you saw sunshine after a battle, it's almost like a law of the univ-

[_Suddenly, they see the witches. They're especially spooked by Greta._]

**Macbeth:** [_drawing his sword_] What manner of freaks are these?

**Greta:** [_clearly agitated_] You did NOT just call me a freak!

[_She starts to ball her fists, but Susan stops her._]

**Greta:** Sorry.

**Susan:** It is alright, good sirs, we are three sisters who come with a message for both of you.

**Macbeth:** [_puts away his sword_] A message? Like a singing telegram? Wow, I haven't seen one of them in years.

**Susan:** [_confused by the last statement_] Uh, sure, why not? Lacey, you're up.

**Lacey:** [_steps up and does a cheer_] _**All hail, Macbeth! All hail to thee! Thane of Glamis, as you can see!**_

_**Thane of Glamis, but so much more. All hail, Macbeth! Thane of Cawdor!**_

**_But soon another tune we'll sing. All hail, Macbeth! All hail the King!_**

[_The audience applauds. Lacey takes a bow. Greta chuckles. Shakespeare is stunned. Macbeth is speechless._]

**Susan:** Uh, anyway, Banquo, we have good news for you, too. Greta, take it away.

**Greta:** [_steps up_] I'm not going into a cheer routine like her, but here it is: Banquo, lesser than Macbeth thou shalt be, yet greater. Not as happy, yet happier.

**Banquo:** Uh, I'm not sure I quite understand. Is this some sort of riddle?

**Greta:** [_groans_] Look, the point is, you'll never be a king like Macbeth. However, your son and grandsons for the next six generations will all be kings. Oh, and in the seventh generation, your great-great-great granddaughter will be a queen, so there.

[_Macbeth and Banquo quietly discuss all this for a minute, and then turn back to the witches._]

**Macbeth:** This is all very interesting, but there are still some things I don't quite understand, like when is this all supposed to happen? How is this all going to happen? Won't I have any male successors? And how am I going to replace the Thane of Cawdor, when he's alive and well? How do you answer that one, ladies? Huh, huh, huh?

[_Just then, the witches are beamed off set by a 'Star Trek' style teleporter._]

**Shakespeare:** [_offstage, to Pete the props manager_] What the heck are you doing?

**Pete:** Sorry, my finger slipped. But you gotta admit, for an accident, it looks pretty cool.

**Shakespeare:** Shut up, Pete. Just do your job.

**Banquo:** [_shocked_] What manner of sorcery is that?

**Macbeth:** I don't know. But I want one.

**Ross:** [_offstage_] Macbeth, Banquo, where art thou?

[_Ross and Angus enter._]

**Ross:** Ah, there you both are.

**Angus:** Where have you two been? We've been lookin' for you everywhere.

**Ross:** Indeed, the king has requested your presence at a banquet in your honor.

**Angus:** And I'm bringing potatoes, so come hungry, and leave happy!

**Ross:** Anyway, at the banquet, the king wishes to grant the title of Thane of Cawdor upon Macbeth.

[_Macbeth is shocked. He glances at the spot where the witches stood and then back at Ross and Angus._]

**Macbeth:** Do you know three girls who dress like witches. One wears nothing but black, and one dresses and acts like a cheerleader?

[_A moment of quiet. Ross thinks Macbeth may be crazy._]

**Ross:** Maybe we should drive.

[_All exit._]

* * *

**Scene 4**: Iverness, Macbeth's castle. Lady Macbeth enters, reading a letter.

**Lady Macbeth:** [_reading_]…and then, the cheerleader told me that I would soon be the new Thane of Cawdor, and then, that I would be king of Scotland. Then, the creepy girl dressed in black told Banquo that his descendents would all be great rulers of Scotland. I tried to ask them about when this all would happen, they teleported out. Just then, Ross and Angus show up and tell me that the king wants to see me at a banquet, where he would bestow on me the title of Thane of Cawdor. By the way, Angus brought potatoes, so if my breath stinks later, I apologize in advance. Alas, I must run. Wear something nice for when the king comes to visit. I shall see you soon, my dear.

[_turning back to the audience_]

So, from Glamis to Cawdor. and from Cawdor to the rulers of Scotland. We're moving up in the world! Wah-hoo!

[_She dances around excitedly, then screeches to a halt._]

No, wait. It's probably never going to happen. Duncan is as healthy as a horse and has two sons who will succeed him if he dies. So the only way my husband will become king of Scotland is if Duncan and his sons are all removed from the picture. And as much as I love my husband, he doesn't have it in him to kill somebody in cold blood.

[_She thinks for a moment…_]

Maybe I could say something to him. Something to motivate him. I'm sure he wants the prophecy to come true as much as I do.

[_…then turns back to the audience._]

Don't look at me like that. I know this may all sound evil, but there's no room in this world for 'nice people'. Like my father always said, "Nice guys finish last," "Sometimes, you have to be cruel to be kind," "You can't make an omelet without breaking some eggs," "Sometimes, in order to get ahead, you have to step on a few toes." Yes, my father taught me ever cliché in the book, and I live by them.

[_As she speaks, a messenger sneaks up from behind her._]

**Messenger:** Uh, milady?

**Lady Macbeth:** **AAAAHHHH!**

[_A spooked Lady Macbeth catches her breath, then turns to the messenger._]

**Lady Macbeth:** How many times have I told you never to sneak up on me?

**Messenger:** I'm sorry, milady.

**Lady Macbeth:** Alright, what is your tidings?

**Messenger:** The King comes here tonight.

[_Lady Macbeth stares at him blankly for a moment._]

**Lady Macbeth:** Thank you, Captain Obvious.

**Messenger:** Milady?

**Lady Macbeth:** I just got a note from my husband saying that the king was coming tonight. So what was the point of you sneaking up on me just to tell me the exact same thing?

**Messenger:** It was in the script.

**Lady Macbeth:** [_rolling her eyes_] Don't you have anything better to be doing?

**Messenger:** [_slightly annoyed_] Well, I have a friend who's exhausted after the long trek up here.

**Lady Macbeth:** Fine, go tend to him.

**Messenger:** Thank you.

[_Messenger starts to leave._]

**Lady Macbeth:** Wait, what does the word 'teleport' mean?

[_Messenger thinks, then replies…_]

**Messenger:** I'll look into it, milady.

[_He exits._]

**Lady Macbeth:** [_turning back to the audience_] Now, as I was saying…

[_Just then, she's distracted by a voice offstage._]

**TV Announcer:** And now, back to the Home Shopping Network.

**Lady Macbeth:** [_ecstatic_] Ooh! HSN is back! Yay!

[_She exits, very quickly._]

* * *

**Scene 5**: Duncan, Malcolm, Donalbain, Banquo, Lennox, Macduff, Ross, Angus and the king's attendants gather outside of Macbeth's castle.

**Duncan:** [_excited_] This castle has a pleasant seat. The air nimbly and sweetly recommends itself unto our senses.

**Banquo:** Indeed, even the guest of summer, the temple-haunting martlet, does approve.

**Lennox:** You know, martlet are said to bring good luck.

**Angus:** Are they any good for hunting?

[_Everyone turns and stares at Angus in shock._]

**Angus:** What?

**Ross:** Don't embarrass me, Angus.

**Donalbain:** Too late.

[_Castle doors open and Lady Macbeth enters._]

**Lady Macbeth:** Welcome, my lords. What a pleasure it is to have you all here at our humble home. And King Duncan, it's an honor. We've been looking forward to your visit. Please, come in.

[_All enter. Macduff notices Lady Macbeth's celtic pendant._]

**Macduff:** I love your pendant. Did you get that off the Home Shopping Network?

**Lady Macbeth:** Indeed, I did.

[_As he enters, Duncan gives Lady Macbeth a slap on the butt. She is insulted, but he ignores her._]

**Duncan:** So, where is your husband? Where is the new Thane of Cawdor?

**Lady Macbeth:** Well, your majesty, like all you servants, he has to keep busy. But I'm sure he will be with us shortly. In the meantime, why don't we all going into the Great Hall? Dinner is about to be served. And I understand that most of you will be spending the night, so we have had rooms prepared for each of you.

**Duncan:** How thoughtful, milady.

[_turning to the others_]

Alright, let's eat!

[_The others agree and follow him offstage. Lady Macbeth stays, and Macbeth enters._]

**Macbeth:** [_nervous_] Dear, are you sure about this? This is…huge. As in an act of treason.

**Lady Macbeth:** Do you want the prophecy to come true or not?

**Macbeth:** Well, of course, I do, but you're asking me to kill our friend and master. I know he can be a bit whiny, but he's never done any wrong.

**Lady Macbeth:** You're being too nice. Remember what I told you about nice people?

**Macbeth:** Yes, unfortunately. 'Nice guys finish last."

**Lady Macbeth:** If it helps, the king slapped me on the butt as he came in tonight. Don't you think you should defend my honor?

**Macbeth:** You want me to kill the guy just because he copped a feel?

[_Lady Macbeth glares at him._]

Alright, fine. I'll do it, but later. Right now, let's go have dinner with our friends.

[_They exit._]

* * *

**Scene 6**: After hours. The stage and theater lights are dimmed. It's almost completely silent There are only a few small lights up on the stage, giving the theater a creepy, haunted feeling. Macbeth enters, carrying a small candle.

**Macbeth:** What have I gotten myself into? I don't think I can do this?

[_Macbeth moves to center stage and begins reciting the scripted soliloquy._]

If it were done when 'tis, then 'twere well it were done quickly. He's here in double trust: First, I am his kinsman, his subject and his host, who against his murderer shut the door, not bear the knife myself. Besides, this Duncan has borne his facilities so meek, he's been so clear in his great office that his virtues will plead like angels, trumpet-tongued against the deep damnation of his taking-off-

[_Suddenly, a glow-in-the-dark skeleton prop drops from the ceiling and spooks the entire audience._]

**Macbeth:** **AAAAAHHHHH!**

[_Everyone looks up at Pete._]

**Pete:** Sorry, my bad! That's the actual skeleton from the House on Haunted Hill.

**Macbeth:** [_to Pete_] What all do you have back there?

**Pete:** Lots of stuff. I'll show you sometime.

[_Pete cranks the skeleton up off the stage. Just then, Lady Macbeth enters._]

**Lady Macbeth:** What goes on here?

[_Before Macbeth can answer, she states…_]

You still haven't done it, have you? Dear, do you even want to be king of Scotland?

**Macbeth:** I'm Thane of Cawdor. Isn't that enough?

**Lady Macbeth:** Is it enough for you?

**Macbeth:** [_nods_] Yes.

**Lady Macbeth:** [_rolls her eyes_] Well, it's not enough for me. Now let's go!

**Macbeth:** But what if they suspect us?

**Lady Macbeth:** [_thinks for a second_] I'll come up with a plan to pin this all on the bodyguards.

**Macbeth:** You'd do that for me? Honey, you're the best.

**Lady Macbeth:** I know. But you're taking me to Paris after our coronation. Now, come on. We're wasting time and we have a king to kill.

[_Both exit._]

* * *

Please read and review. If you need a little help understanding the Captain, just let me know.


	3. Act 2

Happy Easter! Act 2 is finally up. Sorry, I meant to have this out last month. But anyway, please read, review and enjoy.

* * *

**Act 2**

**Scene 1**: Castle Iverness, just before midnight. [yawn]

[_Banquo enters, carrying a torch. He's followed by Fleance, who rides in on his skateboard._]

**Fleance:** So Dad, I'm really going be a king of Scotland?

**Banquo:** That's what was foretold.

[_Just then, a critic stands up in the audience._]

**Critic:** Hey, wait a minute! When did the son get here?

[_Backstage, Shakespeare speaks into a walkie-talkie._]

**Shakespeare:** Zap him!

**Critic:** He wasn't with the party that came to the castle! We're talking about some serious continuity err-ARGH!

[_The critic continues to rant, until he's tazered by an usher._]

**Usher:** [_into walkie-talkie_] All clear, sir.

**Shakespeare:** Good, let's continue.

**Banquo:** Do you think you can handle all this?

**Fleance:** Dad, you know this was never my thing. I was always more into extreme sports.

[_But Fleance doesn't want to disappoint his father._]

But, hey, I'll do the best I can. Have I ever let you down, Dad?

**Banquo:** [_smiling_] No, you haven't.

[_Banquo and Fleance do a man-hug._]

**Fleance:** Elizabeth (Fleance's girlfriend) is gonna love this!

[_Just then, a figure enters from stage right._]

**Banquo:** [_draws his sword_] Halt, who goes there?

[_Banquo charges at the figure._]

**Macbeth:** Wait! It's me!

[_Macbeth enters, looking lost, nervous and paranoid._]

**Banquo:** Macbeth?

**Macbeth:** [_sarcastic_] No, it's George W. Bush!

**Banquo:** What art thou still doing up?

**Macbeth:** Uh, I couldn't sleep. I was headed to the kitchen for some warm milk.

**Banquo:** [_nodding_] I see.

**Fleance:** Oh, by the way, Mr. Mac, congratulations on making Thane of Cawdor. That's quite an honor. Dad was just telling me about the witches' prophecy. But how are you gonna make it all the way to King of Scotland?

[_Macbeth looks more nervous now than ever._]

**Macbeth:** I-I-I try not to think about it too much. It makes my head hurt. I just assume that all will be revealed when the time is right.

**Fleance:** Okay, that's cool.

[_The clock strikes twelve. Night watchman enters shouts out the time._]

**Watchman:** Twelve o'clock and all's well.

**Fleance:** [_looking towards the watchman_] I know that voice! Sammy, is that you, man?

**Watchman:** You bet, it is!

**Fleance:** How'd you get into this play?

**Watchman:** Last minute casting. It was a small part, but whatever you can get, right?

**Macbeth:** I'll just let you two go.

**Banquo:** Are you sure you're okay?

**Macbeth:** Yeah, I'll just get that warm milk, and I'll be fine.

**Banquo:** Okay, well, good night.

**Macbeth:** Good night.

[_As Banquo and Fleance exit, a ghostly dagger appears before Macbeth._]

**Macbeth:** Is this a dagger, which I see before me, the handle toward my hand?

[_The dagger, one of Pete's R/C puppets, begins to talk._]

**Dagger:** Yes, yes I am.

[_Macbeth freaks. The audience jumps in shock._]

**Shakespeare:** What the #$%!

**Macbeth:** What manner of sorcery is this?

**Dagger:** Oh, no sorcery. I'm just a hallucination brought on by too much stress. And sir, you have every right to be stressed right now.

[_Macbeth sits and sighs._]

**Macbeth:** I don't think I can do this. I'm a trusted servant of the king. And this would be an act of treason.

**Dagger:** I know, but it's already been prophesied. You've gotta go through with it. And just think, once you're the king, there won't be anybody to accuse you.

[_Macbeth looks at the dagger, then stands and smiles._]

**Macbeth:** You're right. But I still feel nervous.

**Dagger:** I know. They say the first is always the hardest.

[_Macbeth nods, and then looks at the dagger, suspiciously._]

**Macbeth:** Are you saying there'll be more killings after this?

**Dagger:** I never said that. Now c'mon. Unless you'd rather get some warm milk, and call it a night.

[_Feeling a surge of confidence. Macbeth takes his own dagger and follows the ghostly dagger to the king's bed chamber._]

* * *

**Scene 2**: Lady Macbeth stands outside the king's bedchamber, drugging the guards.

**Lady Macbeth:** That which hath made them drunk hath made me bold; what hath quenched them given me fire. Hark! Peace!

[_She makes a peace sign._]

It was the owl that shrieked, the fatal bellman, which gives the sternest good night. He is about it. The doors are open, and the surfeited grooms…Okay, seriously, who talks like this?

[_Backstage, Shakespeare beats his head against the wall._]

I'm serious, I'm just rambling on. I have no idea what half this stuff even means. And I…

**Macbeth:** Shhh! Keep your voice down!

[_Macbeth enters. His face is pale and he is shaking all over._]

**Lady Macbeth:** [_sighs_] You still couldn't do it, could you? Do I have to do…

**Macbeth:** It's done.

**Lady Macbeth:** What?

**Macbeth:** It's done. The king is dead.

[_Excitedly, Lady Macbeth hugs and kisses her husband._]

**Lady Macbeth:** I knew you could do it. And just think, this time tomorrow, we'll be more than just nobles, we'll be royals. Are you okay?

**Macbeth:** Yeah, I'll be fine. Could you just do me one thing?

**Lady Macbeth:** Sure, what?

[_Macbeth holds up the bloody dagger, still clenched in his hand._]

**Macbeth:** Could you pry the dagger out of my hand?

**Lady Macbeth:** [_shocked_] You brought the dagger back with you?! Are you crazy?

**Macbeth: **Woman, I just killed the king of Scotland, a man I consider to be my friend. Don't call me crazy!

**Lady Macbeth:** Take it back, now!

**Macbeth: **Can't take it back. Too scary. Too gross. Too disgusting. It's like a slasher movie back there.

**Lady Macbeth:** Fine. Apparently, it's up to me again. Give me the dagger.

[_She tries to take the dagger from Macbeth, but his hand is clenching it too tight._]

**Lady Macbeth:** Dear, let go!

**Macbeth:** Can't let go!

[_For five hilarious minutes, Lady Macbeth tries to wrestle the dagger from her husband's terrified, iron grip. She finally gets it._]

**Lady Macbeth:** I'll put this back at the crime scene, where it belongs. You, go and wash your hands.

**Macbeth:** Okay, but can I borrow some of your hand sanitizer?

**Lady Macbeth:** Why?

**Macbeth:** It's gonna take more than just water to clean this mess. I'm gonna need soap, hand sanitizer, turpentine…

**Shakespeare:** Hey, the line is, "_will all the water in Neptune's ocean wash this blood from my hands?_"

**Macbeth:** [_losing it_] Listen, I'm a little on the edge here! Don't order me around!

[_Shakespeare just pounds his head in frustration. Lady Macbeth exits. As Macbeth exits, he's spooked by a sudden knock that echoes throughout the castle. He cowers and exits._]

* * *

**Scene 3**: Castle gate. The Porter sits in front of the castle door, eating a pizza and watching a baseball game. As he hears the knocks at the door, he pretends he's the doorman at a big Hollywood gala.

**Porter:** Here's a knocking indeed.

[_knock_]

Knock, knock! Who's there? The Orioles are actually up by 5 runs, so this had better be important. Oh, hello, Mr. Trump! What's that? I'm fired? Aw, you're such a kidder. What's this, a hundred dollar tip? Whoa! Thank you, sir! Go on in, have a good time.

[_knock_]

Knock, knock! Who is it? Why, it's the Victoria's Secret Angels! Come on in, ladies. Don't be shy. Go on in. Have a good time. And Karolina, call me, babe!

[_knock_]

Knock, knock! Who's out there? Oh, hey! It's Tony Hawk! Wazzup, man! Hey, we gotta get together sometime, I got some moves I think you might like and…hey, wait. Oh, well, have fun.

[_knock, and more demanding this time._]

Alright, I'm coming!

[_Macduff and Lennox enter._]

**Porter:** Either it's very late, or it's very early, gentlemen. What can I do for you?

**Macduff:** We need to speak to the king immediately.

**Porter:** The king is asleep. He won't wake up until someone says the word, 'breakfast.'

**Macduff:** This is important. It concerns his safety.

**Lennox:** I felt a disturbance in the force. I fear the king's life may be in danger.

**Porter:** Oh, come on. The O's are actually winning. How often does that happen?

**Lennox:** You can watch it tomorrow on SportsCenter. Now, go and wake the king!

**Porter:** Fine, I'll go tell the king breakfast is ready.

[_Porter exits._]

**Macduff:** The only way to get anything done around here is to complain until your fists hurt and you're blue in the face.

[_Offstage, the porter screams. He runs back onstage._]

**Porter:** [_panting_] Oh my goodness!

**Macduff:** What? What is it?

**Porter:** [_panting_] It's…it's the…it's the king!

**Lennox:** What about the king?

**Porter:** [_still panting_] He's…he's expired, sir!

**Macduff:** He's what?

**Porter:** He just left! He's kicked the bucket! He's gone to join the choir invisible.

**Macduff:** Honestly, you're not making any sense.

**Porter:** The king is no more! He has ceased to be! There is an ex-king in that room!

**Lennox:** I think he means that the king is dead.

**Macduff:** Then why didn't the say that in the first place.

[_Porter throws his hands in the air in frustration. Then, Macbeth and Lady Macbeth enter. Macbeth still looks out of it._]

**Lady Macbeth:** Good sirs, what has happened?

**Macduff:** Sweet lady, this is men's business. You needn't worry yourself with such complicated things.

**Lennox:** Uh, Macduff…

[_Annoyed, Lady Macbeth kicks Macduff in the groin. He groans in pain. The audience cringes._]

**Lady Macbeth:** Are you saying that you're smarter than I am, because you're **a man**?

**Lennox:** [_to Macduff_] She doesn't like to be treated as an inferior. In fact, she hates it.

**Macduff:** [_still moaning in pain_] You couldn't have told me that five minutes ago?

**Lennox:** I tried.

[_Everyone rushes out onstage. Donalbain and Malcolm draw their lightsabers._]

**Malcolm:** We felt a disturbance in the force. Master Lennox, what's happened?

**Lennox:** Everyone calm down! I will explain everything!

[_There's a long pause, and then Lennox speaks up._]

The king has been murdered in his sleep.

**Shakespeare:** Okay, I remember that explanation being a little bit longer when I wrote it.

[_Panic ensues among the crowd onstage._]

**Angus:** Do we know who did this?

**Macduff:** No.

**Angus:** That's okay. Let me make a quick call, and I've have a vigilante mob scouring the castle in just under half-an-hour.

**Ross:** Angus, let your cousins sleep.

**Angus:** Seriously, they'll jump out of bed for something like this. And even you've gotta admit, they're good at what they do.

[_Ross thinks, then nods in agreement._]

**Ross:** Alright, go call your cousins.

[_Angus exits, excitely, to call his cousins._]

**Macbeth:** [_whispering to his wife_] You don't think they suspect, do you?

[_Lady Macbeth stomps on her husband's foot, causing him to quietly moan in pain._]

**Lady Macbeth:** [_under her breath_] They won't as long as you keep your mouth shut!

[_Lennox motions to Malcolm and Donalbain, and they follow him over to the corner of the stage._]

**Lennox:** You boys realize what this means, don't you?

**Malcolm:** Yes…No, what does it mean?

**Lennox:** [_rolls his eyes and chuckles_] If your father was murdered, it may mean that you are both targets as well. I think it would be best if you both left the country for a while, just until things calm down.

[_Malcolm and Donalbain nod in agreement._]

And it may be best if you split up. The killer may be able to track you if you stay together.

**Malcolm:** Agreed. Donalbain will go to Ireland, and I'll go to England.

**Donalbain:** Wait, why do I have to go to Ireland?

**Malcolm:** Because I called dibs on England.

**Donalbain:** What's there to do in Ireland?

**Malcolm:** You could work a potato farm. You could kiss the Blarney Stone. You could hunt for leprechauns.

**Donalbain:** Hey, I wanna go to England. There's English League Soccer, art museums, Royal Albert Hall, London's one of the busiest cities in the world after dark…

**Lennox:** [_frustrated_] Okay, boys, I don't have time for this. We'll stick to the original plan, Malcolm goes to England, and Donalbain goes to Ireland. Agreed?

[_Malcolm and Donalbain nod._]

**Both:** Agreed.

[_Both exit._]

**Macduff:** And now, if you'd all follow me into the Great Hall, we can discuss this further.

[_All exit._]

* * *

**Scene 4**: Angus's cousins are scouring the castle, looking for clues. Everyone is in a commotion. Ross and Lennox stroll around the castle, discussing their take on the murder.

**Ross:** You don't suppose one of the king's sons did it to collect his inheritance, do you?

**Lennox:** [_drawing his lightsaber_] Watch what you say, Ross. I've known these boys a long time, and I've spent a great deal of time and energy training them in the Jedi arts. If they were turning the dark side, I would know it.

**Ross:** [_smiling_] My apologies.

[_Lennox puts his lightsaber away. One of Angus's cousins, the old man, approaches._]

**Lennox:** Have you found anything?

**Old Man:** Nothing yet, my lord. We found some evidence that led us to believe that the king's guards commited the murder, but we disproved that a while ago.

**Ross:** How?

**Old Man:** Simple, the guards were so drunk, that they could barely stand, let alone, kill anyone. Honestly, they barely remember anything that's happened tonight. Of course, that means the murderer could easily have gotten into the king's bedchamber. We haven't found much besides that, but I have a theory. Macbeth could have done it. It is his home, after all, and he could easily get close to the king.

[_Lennox and Ross nod understandingly._]

**Lennox:** Do you have any proof of this?

**Old Man:** No, but like I said, it's just a theory.

[_Old man exits. Macduff enters._]

**Ross:** How goes the world?

**Macduff:** [_sarcastic_] The king is dead, a bunch of rednecks are scouring the castle, and I got kicked in the balls, because I made Lady Macbeth feel inferior. Where have you been?

**Ross:** Sorry I asked.

**Lennox:** So, what happens now?

**Macduff:** Well, Macbeth has been nominated to succeed Duncan. He and Lady Macbeth are headed to Scone for their coronation…

[_Some random guy from backstage runs out._]

**Random Guy:** Scones? Did somebody say there were scones out here?

**Macduff:** [_glaring at random guy_] No, now beat it!

**Random Guy:** Okay, bye.

[_Random Guy exits._]

**Macduff:** Anyway, Macbeth is going to be crowned, and Duncan's body is being taken to Colmekill for an autopsy.

**Ross:** What's an autopsy?

**Macduff:** Never mind. [_yawning_] Now, if you don't mind I'm going to bed. I didn't get much sleep last night.

[_All exit._]


End file.
